Why Some People Cannot Be Helped
Some people abandon their own families through their actions.
Growing up, I believed in always helping others. But I’ve learned that when helping isn’t enough, you have to set boundaries to protect yourself. No matter how much you care, some people refuse to change. But as I’ve grown older and seen firsthand how mental illness can impact relationships, I’ve realized that when helping isn’t enough, you have to learn to step back. Some people push away those who care, creating toxic cycles that drain those who try to support them. Understanding where to draw the line is crucial—not just for them, but for your own well-being.
My understanding of this struggle shifted when I saw firsthand how untreated mental illness can manifest within families. One particular moment stands out in my memory—a misunderstanding between a mother and her daughter. I overheard the mother whispering hateful things about her own child, wishing the worst for her when it came to relationships with men. There was something unsettling in her tone, almost as if she were envious of her daughter’s life. She took humiliating pictures of her daughter in vulnerable moments and shared them as if exposing a deep flaw. It was more than just conflict—it was a destructive pattern, one that made it clear some wounds ran too deep for ordinary people to heal.
As a child, I always wanted to help. I remember being in third grade and coming across a teenager who was mentally ill and unkempt. He smelled terrible. Without thinking of the risks, I took him home, gave him a shower, and scrubbed his skin clean, changing his dirty clothes. His armpits had turned green from neglect, and I tried my best to help. They reprimanded me for what I had done.I didn’t understand the danger I had put myself in at the time. Now, looking back, I realize that while my intentions were good, not everyone chooses to save themselves or accepts help.
Society fails some individuals—those who genuinely need help but never receive it. But there are also those who are beyond help, individuals who need structured care in a mental health facility because their presence in everyday life creates turmoil for those simply trying to survive.
The Fine Line Between Helping and Self-Destruction
A good way to differentiate between helping someone and enabling toxicity is to listen to them. People who are not mentally sound often reveal it in the way they speak, act, and react to situations. No rational person would wish pain on their own child just to teach them a lesson. Healthy relationships are built on trust, not manipulation and control.
I have personally witnessed how dangerous it can be to help someone who refuses to accept it. When you set boundaries with certain individuals, they often retaliate in harmful ways—sometimes using legal systems or fabricating false narratives to regain control. That experience taught me one of the hardest lessons of my life: not everyone wants help, and trying to save them can destroy you in the process.
For the longest time, I struggled with knowing where to draw the line. I wanted to believe in people’s ability to change. I wanted to see the good in everyone. But the truth is, some people don’t want to change. They thrive in their dysfunction because it is all they have ever known. When mental illness goes untreated for years, it becomes ingrained in a person’s identity. At that point, it’s not about helping them—it’s about protecting yourself from being dragged into their chaos.
Recognizing the Red Flags
Mental illness makes it difficult for people to maintain relationships because it fosters instability and unpredictability. Sometimes, you can see the signs early on. Other times, you don’t realize how deep it runs until trust has already been broken. Some warning signs include:
- A persistent sense of envy toward others, making it impossible for them to be happy for someone else’s success.
- Creating an environment where others feel like they are walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering emotional outbursts.
- Manipulative behaviors, such as twisting the truth or playing the victim to avoid accountability.
That last one is the biggest red flag. If you notice yourself changing who you are just to keep someone from lashing out, you are dealing with a toxic dynamic.
Is Mental Healthcare Enough?
Is mental healthcare accessible? Yes. But is it always helpful? That’s debatable. If a mental health professional tells a patient they are always right—despite clear symptoms of instability—are they truly being helped? Effective mental healthcare requires willingness from the individual. Some people take their medication, attend therapy, and work toward betterment. Others reject all forms of help and continue their cycles of destruction.
I’ve met people who turned their lives around with therapy and medication. But I’ve also seen those who refuse to acknowledge their illness, blaming the world instead. The reality is, help only works when it is accepted.
Families react differently to mental illness. Some refuse to participate in the struggle and cut ties early. Others try to support their loved ones from a distance. And then there are those who stay close, hoping against hope that change will come. But no amount of love, support, or therapy can help someone who refuses to change. If a person is unwilling to change, they will find a way to be toxic.
Mental healthcare is accessible, but its effectiveness depends on the person’s willingness to engage. I talked more about this in The Weight of the Mind: Understanding Anxiety and Depression.
Protecting Yourself Without Guilt
It’s easy to feel guilty for stepping away, especially when society teaches us to have compassion. But guilt implies failure, and you haven’t failed just because someone refuses help. You listened, you cared, and you did everything you could.But in the end, the person made their choice.
Some people are lost. Some people enjoy the drama. They enjoy playing the victim. And that’s not your burden to carry.If I could give my younger self one piece of advice, I’d say: You can’t help everyone, and that’s okay.
At the end of the day, when helping isn’t enough, you have to prioritize your well-being.
Setting Boundaries with Difficult Family Members: This article offers practical advice on establishing healthy boundaries, which is crucial when dealing with toxic relationships. time.com
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